I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else can.

a note to myself

To not be scared. Don’t be guarded, don’t hold back, don’t push away.
If I like someone, i need to like them like I’ve never been hurt.

we smoke my Camels down to the filters
drop them carelessly wherever.
i lean in close, careful not to blow smoke in your face
tell you that i’ve got some problems too
but i don’t think that’s what you wanted to hear.
i heard about this place where it’s warm all year
it hardly ever rains and the leaves never change

maybe that story would interest you
but maybe not, sometimes it’s hard to tell
what’s okay to talk about and what isn’t
why you’d ever wanna waste the time with me
what is it that makes you wait or stick around?
come to shore,
it’s almost like there’s something else keeping you down.
yet im the one with an anchor tattoo
And a billion more problems
more complex than you

laclede’s landing

Anytime I get writers block
I imagine holding you to my chest
words no longer elude me
And they flow to the tips of my fingers.
The thought of you causes my body to stir
I want to light up a cigarette with you
And read out loud every single piece I wrote about you
In hopes to trade nicotine filled kisses.

Bad bones

So I sit here
thinking of a poem to write
trying to find a profound message to speak on
I have an idea but I don’t think any amount of words of the english dictionary could wrap them up eloquently enough to provide you an image of the events that took place yesterday.
There’s no possible way
to describe her face
her skin was olive, smooth, inviting to the touch, and very expressive. she squinted often, and when she smiled, you could see every movement of it, the way her eyes would light up and the smile would begin in the corners of her mouth, frame by frame you could see it until next thing you know she was smiling.
dark freckles spread out under her glossy eyes that were shielded by long, thick, obsidian lashes.

See that was not even close to the beginning and you wouldn’t have the image I have in my head.

Nothing I write could ever do her justice.
I knew this the moment I saw her.
So perhaps I’m not the writer I say I am.
Because the moment I saw her, my first reaction was involuntary; a huge intake of breath. Then a smile that didn’t fade.
And I kept my eyes on her as much as I could without being too awkward, knowing that what I saw was going to be unintelligible to anyone else.
I want to connect her brain with mine so she could see what I saw, feel the feelings I felt
Then perhaps
she wouldn’t have looked away from me.
Then perhaps
Her eyes would have followed mine
Then perhaps
She would have looked at me with the same awe, happiness and admiration that filled my eyes and lead to me never wanting to look away.