For far too long I had submerged myself under the roaring river called fear, despite other’s desperate hands clawing at me, their voices spouting explaination and insight to reach my otherwise assumption filled ears.
I could not remember the last time I had felt so free of my self made bindings that held me down; Yet her lips sent a kiss that reached my heart and her touch sent chills down my spine and her sweet voice, warmth in my heart, a familiar pattern that I knew fear did not exist in.
For all I wish to give her, yet I still fear I can not.
I am cruel at times and I am not yet brave enough to be sincere to anyone about my feelings. I find it hard to express myself about anything personal because I am constantly changing for the betterment of myself and to become a stronger person in mind.
I have too many faults to count, and I am unkind to those whom I understand not- in words, actions as well as my thoughts and impressions. I must be a bad person.
But alone in the dark I’m tempted to imagine her- she lures me in, calls to me with the sweetest nectars, beckons my anchors to ease at her land. It becomes difficult to resist the delicious pleasures I recieve from something as simple as her whispering my name.
These heightened emotions that she brings me, they are unreal. Only she can dilute the blackness,the nothingness that I’ve been feeding through the veins around my heart; if I had one.
How do I love her better, I ask my seas, How do I give her my all? for if she takes it and abuses it, I shall never recover.
I could scoff at my fear, I am the Captain of seas, I sail the mighty Lightwave. How could I fear a mere woman? She breathes as I breathe, her face flushed red with blood pulsing underneath. She is a human as I am. She hurts as I do, she FEELS as I do.
I mustn’t fear her. But it’s been so long since another kind soul has graced my ethereal seas. If fear is the veil of darkness that parts the distance between you and I, then to see the sun again would be a lie, for her love and the uncertainty of my heart to be broken; debris of my shattered heart scattered across my seas, that is my greatest fear. It weighs my anchor down and I’m forced to watch standstill at the windswept horizons, a sight of things I could grasp at but never obtain, no matter how badly my heart desired.
It desires and it fears the same thing. A contridiction pulling to and fro at my heart and soul
Just as the current of my undying seas.
I wish to grab the beauty’s hand, ask her to embark on a journey with me. kneel before me and pledge her loyalty as I name her a Sailor of Lightwave. My dearest of sailors, she will not only gain my eternal gratitude but also my eternal love, pure and unweighted in this fractured eternity.
I shall never push her under my currents and hold her down.
If only I had the courage to ask her.
The brown eyed siren whom I’ve fallen in love with calls to me.
I tell her I have no desire to live at sea for the uncertainty of what will happen once I give her my heart frightens me.
There is no reason to kill myself, I murmur, but I have no true reason to live.
She runs her fingers through her raven hair and I gape at her.
“I love you, mighty Captain” She sings.
These words change my mind, now my only wish is to be anchored in this world forever at her side.
If I choose to die now, I’ll be taking a part of her with me; she claimed she loves me. That means she cares for me, does it not?
Perhaps there is salvation for me, I think hopefully as I ascend to the mast and reach for my siren.
Your name, I call out to her, please tell me your name your captain commands it.
From under her thick lashes, her small brown eyes look at me and from her full lips comes a laugh which tells me that my lovely siren shall not play by all my rules although she can be tamed.
I shall rule her with love, not with demands, threats and fear. Such only a good Captain would do.
Today was the last straw for me. SO much bullshit going on, it’s dumb.
I’m tired of the anons on my page. I’m tired of everytime kimgf and Kim post something, someone tells me to look. I’m tired of kims gf name in my inbox, my name on her page, my name on Kim’s page…all of it.
I’m tired of the comparisons.
I’m tired of people who seriously take the time, sit down and make these anon messages. I turned off anon. But that still doesn’t fix the fact that for over 2 months, someone has been persistent in fucking with all three of us.
I’m not going to lie. I thought it was Kim. People were telling me it was Kim. that’s why when I answered most of the questions, I’d be a bitch, sometimes saying rude things, things I didn’t mean. People were telling me when I made a post, or an anon asked me a question, Kim would make a similar post, answer the anon’s question similarly.
More recently, I thought it was kims gf. She knew my tumblr without me giving her permission (thanks to Kim) so I thought what a perfect opportunity for her. Plus, the anons were convincing with the terrible grammar and all.
Today when I got the anon about Kim and kims gf getting married or w/e and having a kid and “DONT U SEE THEIR POSTS” I was so mad. It was like…no I don’t see their posts, but funny that you say that and it’s exactly the same thing I’m going through with Armani. I was mad. Was gonna bitch at Kim’s girlfriend, something I have no reason doing. Instead I decided to be a smart ass bitch to her.
I shouldn’t have done that either.
I can easily fix this problem, the way my friends have been telling me to for a while now.
Took a glance at both of their blogs today and I realized, “This shit is crazy”.
Now, Kim will tell you, I’ve always gotten stupid ass anons. But. Kim’s gf has nothing to do with anything.
It’s so fucked up.
So fucked up. For whoever is doing this.
Armani sees my blog. She sees the questions, she sees everything. I’m trying to be happy with someone else, why would anyone try to ruin it by filling her with doubt like this??
Kim is trying to be happy with someone else, why would anyone try to ruin it??
If anyone should be trying to ruin it, it should be ME. not some fucktard from tumblr. But no, I’ve let her go a long time ago.
So. I realized, even though I had my tumblr before Kim and her girlfriend, I’m going to just stop using it. I’m also deactivating my facebook (or going to delete everyone on there from tumblr, idk yet). I’m also leaving my instagram for dead.
This way, there’s nothing anyone can tell Kim or her girlfriend about me. And there’s nobody who can reach me to talk about Kim and her girlfriend.
It’s been fun. I made a few friends on here, actually. real good ones. Everyday I had at least one person who asked and cared about my day.
There have been people on here who watched my progress with Kim go from the beginning to where it is now.
People who gave me great advice, great laughs.
I reached more followers than I ever imagined when I first started.
But…Guys. I’ve grown up. I found someone great. We’re actually building a life together.
I want to share that with people. I want to share it with people who are positive about it.
I log in here, and it’s kimkimkimkimkim
Guys…there’s no Kim anymore.
I’m onto the next chapter.
And there’s a lot of you who simply DON’T understand that.
So I’m done with this tumblr for good.
I have great friends I can talk to about this. I have a journal. I don’t need to be on here, telling people who don’t care, who can’t let go of the past, and keep telling Kim and her gf what’s on my blog.
When I made my IG and new facebook, I wasn’t selective enough, so all of my information once again got to those two because i let random people on tumblr know it.
Now there’s nothing for any of you to tell them.
I don’t want to be in their life and I don’t want them in mine.
This is what I should have done a long time ago.
Please leave kim and her gf alone. lol I know their blogs are boring but please just fill it with positive shit. (just poking fun, sorry xD)
I’ve been told to kill myself because I’ll never find someone to love me like kim.
I’ve been threatened for getting with another woman.
I’ve been constantly reminded of someone who I dont care about and how she’s doing.
I don’t like it. So bye tumblr.
Ciao; Ashley <3
kim is so happy wit her gf, they r getting wifes, they are having a kid on the way, did u see her post?
And this is the anon that set me off.
I can do the same thing. I can go to Kims page and be like “oh ashley is so happy with her gf” blah blah blah. quit hiding, show yourself you crazy fucking bastard.
IM SICK OF IT. SO SICK. IM DONE. I MOVED ON. LEAVE ME ALONE, SERIOUSLY, I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MY BLOG.
This is me Ashley, pretending to be someone else and guess what? all I have to do is click "ask anonymously" I'm tired of people doing that. I have an IP tracker on my page and I know who's doing it. Let's stop. Okay? And regarding the "fake anons" on Cj and Kim's page, I don't care. Just because you spell differently, doesn't mean I don't get it.
See how fucking easy this is??
Anon is such an easy way to harass me. I’m done with it.
I could easily do it to anyone. I can do it to Kim right now, I can do it to her girlfriend.
Stop hiding behind anon, I’ll figure you out. 28 (SORRY DIDNT MEAN TO HIT 5) hits from the same IP on my page in less than 4 hours, I will find you.
OH MY GOD AND IT LETS ME SEE HOW LONG YOU VISITED MY PAGE.